thecreepingdarkness

2005-10-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

that i cannot share your sadness is the most painful thing of all. that i cannot induce my heart to grieve as much as you grieve, that i cannot cry the tears you cry, that my pain no longer mirror yours, these are small, precise stabs at my heart.

i look on your leaving with a mixture of dread and anticipation.

i no longer have to look around and expect to see you with someone else.

i no longer have to wake up in the middle of the night, and wonder if the bed you're in is as soft as mine. and the warmth your sharing keeps the night cold away.

i no longer have to see your face. see you smile, laugh, cry.

i no longer have to.

i still want to.

but the end is near. and when the waves take you away, you will be beyond my reach. and all i will have from you are messages in the wind, silent, soft... useless.

--

earlier, i looked into your eyes.

you said you loved me.

you promised many things.

i did not want to believe you.

but if you only knew how much i wanted to, you'd be surprised.

--

some things need to be left unsaid.

some things need to be left alone to fester and rot, so as for them to give new life to so many other things.

love lies dormant in me.

all things i touch, i hurt.

i will never forgive myself.

musings

2005-10-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

this feeling of vacancy, i know, is momentary and fleeting. all that remains of a broken ship, floating in the ocean of solitude will wash up in some lonely cove someday to become driftwood, waiting to be picked up, or carried by the waves again.

this cold, cold heart no longer breathes for you. no longer will it pump blood to fuel so many desires, to bring oxygen shooting at the speed of light to fulfill your every wishes. my heart lies dead and cold, a black quivering mass of flesh. it is no longer yours, no longer mine, even. for if it was, i would've done anything to bring it back to life for you. you, who have for so long sustained me, and kept me believing in a life and love that was an illusion, yours.

nothing is constant. love is a state of mind, a chemical reaction, a hopeless delusion. pain and love are strings tied all over your body, getting tighter by the minute, until it cuts flesh and bone, and all that is left of you are pieces of what you had been.

the memories of you are all i have now. no one can take it away from me. someday, i will learn to smile again, with no trace of hurt or bitterness. until that time comes, your memory, the lone figure in the empty nightscape of my mind, is my only comfort.

2005-09-18T15:02:00.000-07:00

dead to you.

2005-09-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

mistakes are unavoidable.
but this is one mistake i'm not too eager to commit again. (redundant)
what if this pain whenever i see you is nothing more than a reminder of what we had?
and not a realization that i still love you,
deeply.
fully.
until now?
or should i say,
why now?
i still do not know what i want.
things have changed.
tremendously.
but i have not.
only this curious feelingof wanting you back
has me breathless
i should not have said that though.

callboi training at Convergys

2005-09-12T16:57:00.000-07:00

so what's it like? i really can't tell you much, since i'm still in training. i can tell you this though, working nights is hell. it changes everything. no more Ayala, Internet, dates, meetin' up with my friends, because i spend most of my time sleeping. and not sleeping is really not an option, since doing so would mean you would be suffering the whole night! but i ain't giving up. it's one heck of a challenge, and i feel that i need this. THIS is my chance to prove that i can be serious, that i can act like an adult and take control of my life and not let events take grab of me and whirl me around that i forget where i was heading. i am dead serious about this job. i want it. i know i can do it, although i'm not really too sure if i can make it once i'm really on the floor. but hell, that's why i'm in training right?

what else? well... i can speak better now. :P i actually graduated number 1 of my CCT class (teachin' you how to talk like an American, or at least neutralize yer accent which basically means you have to stretch your mouth and do tongue/lip contortions that would make you sound like Kris Aquino on her 18th shot of tequila, that's how much you have to E-X-A-G-G-E-R-A-T-E, paid off though) which came as a complete shock since there were better speakers than me. no kidding. i really didn't expect it. i knew i'd make the cut, but never as top 1, not even top 3. i already considered a couple of people who i thought should be the creme de la creme, but surprise! i got it. which was really awkward. still is anyway, coz i'm not really first honor material. i'm supposed to be the wild card or somethin' like that...my classmates who tolerated my craziness, now looked at me with something akin to respect. not that i don't want respect, don't get me wrong! but i just don't like the feeling of being UP there. i didn't want their comments about me being good and all that stuff, hell i know that already. :P hahaha. just joking. what i mean is, i'm totally not used to being treated like a leader, or someone with a high IQ although, if it was about creative stuff, i could easily pitch in. i was totally not the kind of guy who should be top 1. i don't study, i cram, i make snide comments against people i don't like(make this singular, person), i talk with my seatmates (NAT!!!!), it totally destroys my badboi image! :( that's what i hate most. :(

so there. PST training is totally different though, they say. less fun, more work. i'm up to that. and our trainer is good. and if he's up to his words, then we'll be better for it. my lovelife... hm... same ol' same ol'... :) still hanging on, for how long, i've no idea.. maybe i'll make a decision i'll regret.. AGAIN, yeah iknow thats what 's on your minds. no, there is no one else, no i am not SEEING anyone else, and NO, i wasn't caught and stuff like that. it's just that......having work and our relationship seems to mix like oil and water. which basically means it's not doing so well. :( but i guess we'll have to see through it. i'm holding on. basically that's it. :)

i miss you....

you know who you are. don't worry. if i make a decision, i'll make sure that no one can say, "di ko pa alkansi"....

i miss my Posse peeps. :(

slaveboi out

what's happening...

2005-07-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

i can't tell. but it makes me sad.

i can't believe that i'm back here again.

and there's nothing tomorrow that makes me want to wake up.

i can't breathe.

it's all coming back.

and the past has caught up with me.

free fall

2005-07-13T03:55:00.000-07:00

nothing holding me now.

and i can't wait to hit the bottom.

from there,

there's no way but up.

and i won't be takin' you with me.

2005-06-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

i remember things clearly now.

this curious feeling...

2005-06-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

...of wanting to explode, but instead having to take a deep breath, be still for a moment, and smile is beginning to have its effects on me. more and more, i look behind me and see what i've left behind, the trail of blood that leads to this wound i thought i've healed. does it help that i am no longer as confident as before? to know that the reason i am still here is because i have nowhere else to go? that to accept defeat is to accept being foolish about my decisions?

for how long i can hold on to this, i don't know. but when i do exhale, i hope things are gonna be better.

pearl white syndrome

2005-06-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

it's almost 6 a.m. and i haven't slept. dunno if it's the drugs i'm taking to lose weight (eep. shoulda kept this secret. :P) or i'm just getting used to staying up late again. i mean, when i was in high school, sleep was unecessary. it's only now that i'm older that i've looked at sleeping as a luxury. guess it's one way to say i am getting older. :( the thought of growing old gives me the creeps. but i guess i gotta face the reality of it being that unless i get the courage to kill myself before i reach the oh-so-scary-and-unthinkable, unacceptable age of 30, i'd have to prepare and condition my mind that i might just reach that age, or more. *shudders*

anyway, we just had a meeting, and it's glad seeing the rest of the Posse. i miss them a lot. but i wish we met under better circumstances. i'm really sad for Glenn, and i feel sorry for Josh too. he just missed out on having the most beautiful, loving friends to be there for him by being so... unthinking. and selfish. i can't put all the blame on Josh though. it takes three to tango. i'm not justifying it, nor am i saying that i'm better, which i'm not, but certainly, there is a thin line between thinking it, and doing it, if you get what i mean. sure, we get attracted to our f riends, but when you do something about that attraction... well, that's another story..

i'm sleepy na.

:(

basta. i hope everything turns out well.

2005-06-06T09:49:00.000-07:00

caught in the middle.

Oscar Wilde

2005-06-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

in choosing between two evils,

i always choose one i haven't tried before.

or something. :P

i guess he's right.

...

2005-05-26T04:46:00.000-07:00

i know i haven't been very visible for the past few weeks. and it makes me sad to know that you think i've changed. i haven't really. just that things are still rather complicated and i needed a breather. truth is, we all know i can't spend time with M and be with you guys. and as much as i'd like to be with you, i really enjoy M's company too. i miss you a lot. but i have to accept the situation. i made this decision and all i can do is to stand by it.

we're doing great. i actually care about M and i'd like to believe he feels the same way. i was supposed to go to Bohol to be with him and his family, but i have other engagements and i'd rather not complicate things especially with his kuya snooping around. nothing's changed. i hope you understand why i need this semblance of peace. after the episodes of the past months, i feel i needed to recuperate. you know that i love you guys... and i miss your company. i'd never leave you. i am still a Posse, and always will be. sorry that it has to be like this. M and I are just grabbing as much time as we can possibly have before school starts. things will change by then.

and well, it still hurts seeing You-know-who with another guy. :) but i am happy for them, really. and i'm glad it's Andrew and not some cheap schmuck.

that's pretty much everything...

i love y'all.

Posse out.

hala grabe

2005-05-25T14:54:00.000-07:00

cge kog basa sa akong journal kadtong 16 years old pa ko, cge ko'g buhakhak. di ko katuo ingon ato ko mustorya. kaluod jud tawn. hahaha! :P but there were really great memories there, but an entirely different CJ. nya naay parts nga i write about this or that cute guy, nya bsan unsaon nakog search sa akong memory banks, wala man jud musulod oi. :( sad that i can't remember them. i'm sure i wasn't making it up noh. ahehehe. sayup2x pa jud akong grammar azzen grabeh. ka uwaw. :(

check it out

www.livejournal.com/users/daemon16
www.livejournal.com/users/thecalm

funny kaau. :(
yax.

mura kog si dean musuwat. :(

adrift

2005-05-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

only a few threads keep me here
fine, almost intangible, they are now
one by one, they'll snap,
and the vibrations
will stir my slumbering heart,
but not enough to awaken it.

is this what i want?
this darkness insists that
there is no comfort in security
only the promise of great loss

i've tied these threads
tightly around my fingers
and to feel them
snap,
so suddenly,

to feel
the rush of blood.
the pain of a waking limb.
the growing realization
that all has been in vain

it's not for me.

three times tempted

2005-05-06T04:04:00.000-07:00

i miss your amber eyes,
they beckon to me, warmly now,
like never before.
no longer cold and less afraid,
your eyes, they seem windows to
a world of promises i thought
i've lost.
and i am tempted.

you, i miss your warmth,
and the feeling of safety within your wings
the assurance that light, yours,
will always
shine on me, calming, healing all my wounds,
and on your shoulder,
my weary head will rest.
and i am tempted.

like withering grass that prays for rain,
i sway under the caress of your laughter,
yet dread the swift and careless way you'll
tread upon me.
and uproot me from the ground
a dark angel.
yet i am tempted.

sweet temptation.
and to give in to all,
or any,
is the only way to be rid of you.
how can i choose when this fool's heart
beats for all?
i want you.
i am tempted.

i'm so sorry to say

2005-04-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

but this is not over.

i'm so sorry.

i'm just not ready.

i can't do it. i'm sorry.

peace

2005-04-25T23:46:00.000-07:00

now that things have gone back to normal at the P.House, i can breathe again. it is true that wounds heal faster when they are exposed, and not left to fester and rot, hidden in some dark corner of your mind. i can look at my friends and not cringe, seeing only understanding in their eyes and not the derision and contempt that i thought i saw when i was in a state of pure confusion and rebellion. it hurts me, and embarasses me that i have caused them so much pain, and still know that they are ready and willing to take me back into their arms. still, i cannot say that i regret my actions for it was those actions that has caused me to learn the valuable lessons my friends, and the people who, by my actions, also affected, taught me.

for Rabbi, i still do not know if i can give you what you want, that is, myself, completely, without strings, for you and you alone. i want to, so much, but it scares the hell out of me to give myself, to be open to so much hurt and the thought of hurting you again is something i can't handle. but i want to spend my life knowing that i'll always be with you. you always tell me that it's only me who can decide for things. i don't know if i'm that strong already. do know this though, that i love you. and i will always take care of you if you allow me to. and i will try so hard, i will do my best to be what you want me to be. if you want me to forget everything, to give you everything, i'll do it. just so i can have you back again.

for my friends, Bryan, Pope, Sheena, who were most affected by what i did (or those who voiced their opinions rather loudly, :P), i apologize. i knew that it was because you cared for me that you did what you did. i thank you for your patience, and your understanding. i thank you for fiercely believing in me. i am sorry for hurting you.

for Jay and DJ, thank you for making me laugh, for making me forget my problems by listening to YOUR problems. :P take care of each other.

for Jule, for your unconditional acceptance of what i did. thank you.

for Marc, for always making me think hard. making me weigh things, for answering in puzzles that serves not only to frustrate me but make me want to punch him just to get a straight answer. :p

for Aldwyn, though not here, for knowing there is always someone who cares enough for me to say that he feels guilty he's not here to help me. :( i love you gurl. :P

for the rest of the Posse, for being not only my friends, but the best friends any queer could ask for.

for Michael. i'm sorry. i fought for you, i fought for what we had. it saddens me that i never really gave you a chance to prove yourself. i love you, and i will never forget you. but you represent the life i do not want to live in any more. i want to be happy. i want to feel safe and secure. and as much as we want to have it, we know that what we had will always be tainted by the pain we caused to others. i do not know if i am making the right decision, but i will do my best to stand up to it. i know you can live without me. take care of yourself.

and lastly, for me. maybe i deserve to be happy. all the time i was with Yo, i never really allowed myself to believe that i deserve the happiness he is giving me, that i deserve the friends i have, that i am worthy of all this love. and now, i'd want to believe that i am. i want to leave it all behind, and know that the future is what i will make of it. i want to bask in the light of Yo's love and know it will never be taken away from me. i want to give him all i have, i want to give us the peace we deserve. and even if it means changing myself, looking at myself in a completely new way, then i will.

i'm sorry. i will do my best to make peace with all my demons and finally set them free. they have protected me from real pain. but i know now that the real pain will only come when i lose all of you, and YOU. i hope i am strong enough for this. pray for me.

it's over now

2005-04-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

don't ask any questions.

leave me to my life.

if i'm gonna destroy it, i'll do it happily, knowing it was my decision that drove me to this.

to you, my light, now gone dim, remember that you don't need to give yourself to people who won't appreciate you. no matter what anyone says, i did love you. i still do. but there are things.... *sighs*

i don't want to say more.

end.

2005-04-05T00:04:00.000-07:00

gamay na lang jud.

kabaw na ko asa ni padung.

light

2005-03-25T07:43:00.000-08:00

enough with depressing posts. i know i can't escape this. and i may soon face the consequences of my actions. but for now, let me just take a deep breath of much needed air. and then i can plunge back in, and lose myself again.

this past week, i've been busy moving out. i'm now staying in an apartment with five other friends, Bryan, Pope, Jule, Sheena and Jay. it's a weird mix, what with Bry and Pope being a couple with really different personalities (the Bitch and the Mistress), my roomie Sheena being a straight, Mean Gurl, Jay as the resident "hottie" who's roomie Jule is the resident "Demi" (joke lang Jule), and moi, as well, the oddball, since i really don't have a valid reason to move out of our place, which is walking distance away. :P add to the pot the daily visits of the rest of the Posse, Arvin (deranged Fortune teller), DJ (Psycho Pastor/Jay's BF), Nathan (Undersexed Parlor Owner), Yo (Sandara Wannabe/My BF), Joshie (The Bouncy Bunny, and just as smart :P), and Marc (The Dark Man Who Comes at Night), well, you see the picture. it gets wild there, i tell you added with a bottle of Hombre.

i pray that ill get accepted to this job. i'm just waiting for the final interview this Monday, or Wednesday, i dunno. :P i dunno if i can handle this, being alone, providing for myself, living with people who are not related to me by blood, and who may very well turn out to be serial killers (hehehe :P) but i am having fun. and the company is more than you could ask for and all the freebies you can get. it's like living in a beauty salon. :P

anyway. so there. i miss my baby. i haven't seen him for two days now coz his mom won't let him out. i tell him not to worry, and he shouldn't. i've been behaving. besides, it's Holy Week. :p

that's all for now. me wanna go home and catch up wit my reading. :P muah!

2005-03-18T07:18:00.000-08:00

slowly, it sinks in, like mild poison coursing through my veins, languidly breaking down each defense i've put up so as to escape the reality of this. i am not powerless. i am not the victim of circumstances. rather, this hellish pit i endure is my own making, the pleasures i have is what i allow myself, and not what is alloted, or given to me.

i am slowly waking up, and i do not like what i see.

hu-hummm yawns

2005-03-15T23:03:00.000-08:00

random:

i haven't played GB in like, 3 days. :( i dunno how to play without the aimbot anymore. i hate it.

i'm soooo sleepy. i just ate pizza with Ayden.

didn't go to gym.

i wanna go somewhere far for a while.

i'm excited about the Posse Motherhouse.

i am not as clueless as you think.

i want coffee.

i dunno where Pope and Jule is.

there are three things i hate about MH. one, they don't have signal for Sun, the bad smell from the CR and the hard chairs. i miss Hole. :(

i dunno what's up with Aldouine. i hope he's got himself some hot Brit.

monasha.

i gotta talk.

sighs

2005-03-10T01:00:00.000-08:00

there is a hidden sadness in everyone, some more apparent than others, while some don't even show any trace of it. i dunno what the root of mine is, only that it's there. it's not harmful, neither does it corrupt the parts of me that has relished feeling so free and secure and happy. i think it's there to serve as a reminder that life couldn't be like this all the time, that there are times when we blunder, and instead of being shocked into inaction, this darkness, this sadness helps you cope and pick yourself up again.

i am afraid. afraid to lose so many beautiful people, and one wonderful person who has given me so much and asked for so little in return, only my love, which has remained caged for years, and only for him, had the courage to take wing again. i am afraid that this darkness will reach out to him, and he will shun away from it, and in the process, reject a part of me that has been there all along, making all that we had, all we ever shared, a lie.

i told him he is not a part of it. it's a child of my past, this darkness. one i haven't fully forgotten because i never really allowed myself to, but one that has had lesser power over me over the years. maybe it will never go away, or maybe it will. i know, though, that i am thankful. i will never be the same again.

-

2005-03-07T04:25:00.000-08:00

silence.

it's all i need.

2005-02-27T16:45:00.000-08:00

i'm such a coward. i know what's happening, but still, i try to twist it just so i don't have to face the harsh reality of it. i don't want to say it out loud. it's not pity. i honestly think so. but it's not it either. i don't know what i'm doing here. i miss me.

exskeexske

2004-12-27T13:53:00.000-08:00

i saw him two days ago. i really can't understand why i immediately clam up whenever he's near, and my heart stops for a beat or two. even our friends noticed it, and teased us if we had a lover's argument. damn. if they only knew the real score between us. i don't understand it at all. we used to be the best of friends, and now, i can't even look him in the eye for more than 3 seconds. and this, this is exactly what i write in my other journals everytime i see him. it's the same reaction after 3 years of separation. it's the same feeling, only less intense. but it's there all the same. the feeling of being overpowered by memories. of wanting to touch. or bash his head against the wall just to get some clear answers. or shout at him, rant at him for all the things he made me go through.

what scares me the most is how hope flickers everytime i see him, every time he smiles at me or gives me a crumb of his attention. gods. i'm so pathetic. i don't even see why i like him. yo's so much cuter, and nicer and has lesser problems. he's short, he's nice looking, but he's so... weird. and his self esteem really needs work. and he doesn't even dress well. but he's got the saddest eyes, and the sweetest lips i've tasted. but he's also kind of mental. i guess i have a li'l of DJ's messianic tendencies or something. he's not even Posse` material which is like, the greatest crime of all.

marc lent me Beautiful Thing and it made me want to cry, because i saw "us" when we were still together in the two guys in the movie. there was even this scene that made me want to laugh and cry at the same time because we used to do it. when he slept over at our house, and we were about to doze off in my bed, his head would be at the bottom of the bed, and i'll be like, talking to his feet, which was what happened in the movie.

i love yo. i'd never leave him. i guess there's always that one person who will always have your heart (c/o Usher). *giggles* it's kinda sad. but love is a choice. and i choose yo. yo, with his patience. his eagerness. his love. his being there. and for that alone, i am thankful.

i'd give up anything for him. i would have, back then. even you guys. i'm ashamed to admit it, but he's the only person in the world that could really boss me around. although he never did that, i did. but if he wanted to, i would've followed just so i wouldn't lose him.

and you, would never understand,

it's right here in our hands,

the outline of our lives,

it's over now...

2004-12-06T11:34:00.000-08:00

in the mourning i can see the light,

no wonder i could never keep you satisfied.

2004-11-27T22:28:00.000-08:00

*hums*

i miss me.

2004-11-21T19:14:00.000-08:00

i wish i was a farmboi.

i don't want to live in the city anymore. :(

2004-11-18T11:07:00.000-08:00

being gay is f*cking expensive.

lives

2004-11-13T23:43:00.000-08:00

all these lives tied to mine. sometimes, i can't help but be terrified of the responsibility of keeping these ties, and the constant agony of knowing that any second, any event, could cut it off, and every shared moment will be lost. i've a dark wish that i've never met these people i now care for so much. :(

can't stop

2004-11-12T11:14:00.000-08:00

yes.

i love him.

and i don't want to make him cry, but...

episodes

2004-11-11T21:50:00.000-08:00

i try to hold it off, and remain 'neath his golden light, where the darkness does not come near, only encroaching the edges of this benevolent brilliance. but i cannot for so long. my mind insists on the beauty of light, my heart moans for the insanity of oblivion. i know it's madness. why risk this peace and comfort?

child of Melancholy. Tragedy is my curse and my only happiness. i do not wish complete separation from this light, only the acceptance, his, that i am not of his ilk, ready to lose myself in the serene waters of love.

the darkness beckons, a siren that has owned my heart even before he, or anyone else, has. and like a doomed sailor, i plunge into its depths, with that sweet, haunting song in my ears. and i am happy.