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Saturday, October 15, 2005

that i cannot share your sadness is the most painful thing of all. that i cannot induce my heart to grieve as much as you grieve, that i cannot cry the tears you cry, that my pain no longer mirror yours, these are small, precise stabs at my heart.

i look on your leaving with a mixture of dread and anticipation.

i no longer have to look around and expect to see you with someone else.

i no longer have to wake up in the middle of the night, and wonder if the bed you're in is as soft as mine. and the warmth your sharing keeps the night cold away.

i no longer have to see your face. see you smile, laugh, cry.

i no longer have to.

i still want to.

but the end is near. and when the waves take you away, you will be beyond my reach. and all i will have from you are messages in the wind, silent, soft... useless.


earlier, i looked into your eyes.

you said you loved me.

you promised many things.

i did not want to believe you.

but if you only knew how much i wanted to, you'd be surprised.


some things need to be left unsaid.

some things need to be left alone to fester and rot, so as for them to give new life to so many other things.

love lies dormant in me.

all things i touch, i hurt.

i will never forgive myself.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


this feeling of vacancy, i know, is momentary and fleeting. all that remains of a broken ship, floating in the ocean of solitude will wash up in some lonely cove someday to become driftwood, waiting to be picked up, or carried by the waves again.

this cold, cold heart no longer breathes for you. no longer will it pump blood to fuel so many desires, to bring oxygen shooting at the speed of light to fulfill your every wishes. my heart lies dead and cold, a black quivering mass of flesh. it is no longer yours, no longer mine, even. for if it was, i would've done anything to bring it back to life for you. you, who have for so long sustained me, and kept me believing in a life and love that was an illusion, yours.

nothing is constant. love is a state of mind, a chemical reaction, a hopeless delusion. pain and love are strings tied all over your body, getting tighter by the minute, until it cuts flesh and bone, and all that is left of you are pieces of what you had been.

the memories of you are all i have now. no one can take it away from me. someday, i will learn to smile again, with no trace of hurt or bitterness. until that time comes, your memory, the lone figure in the empty nightscape of my mind, is my only comfort.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

dead to you.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

mistakes are unavoidable.
but this is one mistake i'm not too eager to commit again. (redundant)
what if this pain whenever i see you is nothing more than a reminder of what we had?
and not a realization that i still love you,
until now?
or should i say,
why now?
i still do not know what i want.
things have changed.
but i have not.
only this curious feelingof wanting you back
has me breathless
i should not have said that though.

Monday, September 12, 2005

callboi training at Convergys

so what's it like? i really can't tell you much, since i'm still in training. i can tell you this though, working nights is hell. it changes everything. no more Ayala, Internet, dates, meetin' up with my friends, because i spend most of my time sleeping. and not sleeping is really not an option, since doing so would mean you would be suffering the whole night! but i ain't giving up. it's one heck of a challenge, and i feel that i need this. THIS is my chance to prove that i can be serious, that i can act like an adult and take control of my life and not let events take grab of me and whirl me around that i forget where i was heading. i am dead serious about this job. i want it. i know i can do it, although i'm not really too sure if i can make it once i'm really on the floor. but hell, that's why i'm in training right?

what else? well... i can speak better now. :P i actually graduated number 1 of my CCT class (teachin' you how to talk like an American, or at least neutralize yer accent which basically means you have to stretch your mouth and do tongue/lip contortions that would make you sound like Kris Aquino on her 18th shot of tequila, that's how much you have to E-X-A-G-G-E-R-A-T-E, paid off though) which came as a complete shock since there were better speakers than me. no kidding. i really didn't expect it. i knew i'd make the cut, but never as top 1, not even top 3. i already considered a couple of people who i thought should be the creme de la creme, but surprise! i got it. which was really awkward. still is anyway, coz i'm not really first honor material. i'm supposed to be the wild card or somethin' like that...my classmates who tolerated my craziness, now looked at me with something akin to respect. not that i don't want respect, don't get me wrong! but i just don't like the feeling of being UP there. i didn't want their comments about me being good and all that stuff, hell i know that already. :P hahaha. just joking. what i mean is, i'm totally not used to being treated like a leader, or someone with a high IQ although, if it was about creative stuff, i could easily pitch in. i was totally not the kind of guy who should be top 1. i don't study, i cram, i make snide comments against people i don't like(make this singular, person), i talk with my seatmates (NAT!!!!), it totally destroys my badboi image! :( that's what i hate most. :(

so there. PST training is totally different though, they say. less fun, more work. i'm up to that. and our trainer is good. and if he's up to his words, then we'll be better for it. my lovelife... hm... same ol' same ol'... :) still hanging on, for how long, i've no idea.. maybe i'll make a decision i'll regret.. AGAIN, yeah iknow thats what 's on your minds. no, there is no one else, no i am not SEEING anyone else, and NO, i wasn't caught and stuff like that. it's just that......having work and our relationship seems to mix like oil and water. which basically means it's not doing so well. :( but i guess we'll have to see through it. i'm holding on. basically that's it. :)

i miss you....

you know who you are. don't worry. if i make a decision, i'll make sure that no one can say, "di ko pa alkansi"....

i miss my Posse peeps. :(

slaveboi out

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

what's happening...

i can't tell. but it makes me sad.

i can't believe that i'm back here again.

and there's nothing tomorrow that makes me want to wake up.

i can't breathe.

it's all coming back.

and the past has caught up with me.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

free fall

nothing holding me now.

and i can't wait to hit the bottom.

from there,

there's no way but up.

and i won't be takin' you with me.